Plus, I miss blogging. Part of my continued recovery has to consist of writing, but not a journal type of blog where I post all my secrets! I know I used to be way to open on blogs, and I would literally vent everything I felt. But this blog is more of a ramble site, for me to resolve my perspectives on life, simply by writing about them in a more positive and not a ‘im-spilling-my-guts’ type of way! I learned the hard way how unhealthy that is. So if you’d like, comment, read or creep on my site! (unless i don’t know you)
Here’s a verse I’ve been thinking over:
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18
I used to see this verse and be like ‘well, if that’s true, where is he and why don’t i feel him? and why don’t i feel better? i am so brokenhearted, and he’s never going to fix it for me’
What i’m learning is that he lets US choose our own death or life. He’s not a typical controlling person that would make you choose their way. He leaves it up to us, because of the fact that we chose it in the very beginning. I have learned that i can’t live the way i want and pursue everything but him, and yet start to feel that he truly does heal my wounds. He can only heal what we reveal to him and only Him. While it’s okay to bring our hurts to others, our main healing and joy and all that is good and pure and perfect ALL comes from him. When he is my main source, all other things don’t damage me even more. But when I keep God at distance and run to other things to fulfill the deepest depths of my soul, all things i try to use feel absolutely devastating eventually. My whole life, I waited for God to show up and heal me. I cried and yelled at him and screamed, ‘God where are you and why don’t you just help me?!?!’ Now I don’t even have to ask that question. God helps me when I call upon him. And he waits for ME to draw near to him before he draws near to me. Because if he ever does draw near to us first, it goes unnoticed by us. He always rewards obedience, and any time you sow into being with him, you will reap what being in his presence brings. Here’s some verses to back up what I’m saying.
Psalm 145:18
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.
John 15:4
Remain in me, and I will remain in you
James 4:8
Come near to God and he will come near to you
I determine what level of intimacy I want with God. That doesn’t mean I will always feel he is near, but when I know him well, I will know to pursue him when I don’t feel him, in order to eventually feel him near. It’s a relationship that requires our pursuit IF it is to go well.
Few know my full testimony, and let me tell you, I didn’t understand God for so long, and still don’t and never will full understand him. But I am so glad that I learned the truth about him FOR MYSELF! And that I began to see that Satan is the bad one, not God, and that satan and others that claimed to represent God, were the reasons I had such messed up views of Jesus. Now that I know who God truly is, there is no turning back to the way things used to be. THE TRUTH REALLY HAS SET ME FREE!!! And if the ‘truth’ you know about Jesus isn’t setting you free, then it’s not the truth! You may still know the real truth and live in an addiction, but if you pursue the REAL truth, and live in it and learn all about God and what it truly means to live and abide/remain in him, he will show up and turn your death into an abundant life.
To any readers, I wish you a wonderful day and that you eventually find and live in the same freedom that I’ve found in the ONLY one that fills the God shaped hole we all have inside of us.
ps: finding this freedom doesn’t happen overnight… and is an everyday struggle to remain in it. but when you remain in him, he will remain in you and slowly you will inherit all the freedom he has waiting for you and anyone else who is a child of His.
Love you all,
El Jay
